KELSINGTON CONSTABULARY

SERVING THE COMMUNITY OF ONE BOOK CLUB SINCE TUESDAY CUSTODY RECORD · FORM MG/BBE-1

CUSTODY No.26/0847

STATIONKelsington Central (the good armchair)

DATEFriday, redacted, 6:02am

SURNAMEREDACTED

FORENAME(S)Kel ("The Founder")

OCCUPATIONFounder (self-appointed, eternal)

OFFENCE(S) UNDER INVESTIGATIONEmbezzlement of the Book Club Fine Fund, contrary to s.1 of the Reading Room Act (an act Kel wrote, which is the twist)

SUM INVOLVED£8,412,067.50 (entirely fictional, entirely missing)

ARRESTING OFFICERPC 🐛 "The Bookworm"

PROPERTY SEIZED ON ARREST1 tote bag (heavy), 1 gold pen, 1 ledger (immaculate, incriminating), 14 books (3 read)

DETAINED PERSON · PHOTOGRAPH

Subject refused the standard mugshot board and produced her own, pre-laminated. Subject requested "a better angle". Request denied. Subject appealed. Appeal denied. Subject noted the denial "in the ledger", which officers found threatening.

Smiling in the photograph is not an admission of guilt, but it isn't helping.

RISK ASSESSMENT

Q1.Is the detained person a risk to themselves? No. She thinks very highly of herself.

Q2.Is the detained person a risk to others? Only financially.

Q3.Does the detained person require reading material? She brought her own. 14 items. See property log. She will not finish them.

Q4.Any dietary requirements? "The nice biscuits, not the custody ones." Noted. Denied. Fined £45 for asking (by her, to us; unclear how).

EXHIBIT KEL/1

CUSTODY LOG · 24 HOURS

06:02Dawn raid executed at subject's home address. Subject already awake, dressed, and "expecting better".

06:04Subject cautioned. Subject corrected the officer's grammar mid-caution. Caution re-administered.

06:15Subject placed in vehicle. Subject rated the vehicle ★☆☆☆☆ ("no atmosphere, ending predictable").

07:00Booked into custody. Subject signed the custody record "The Founder" and added a small crown.

07:30Subject offered solicitor. Subject requested "the book club instead, they owe me". Book club declined to attend, citing "we're the victims, Kel".

09:00First interview commenced. See transcript, Exhibit KEL/2.

09:40Interview suspended after subject began charging officers a per-question fee.

11:15Subject requested exercise period. Walked the yard once. Described it as "a 5K". Set up a fundraising page from her cell. In aid of herself. £12 raised by lunch.

13:00Lunch served. Subject filed a formal complaint about the biscuits. Complaint was read aloud and gently mocked, per club procedure.

15:20Forensic accountant reports the Fine Fund ledger balances perfectly, to the penny, in a way that is "frankly more suspicious than if it didn't".

17:45Subject caught attempting to sell "Custody (Kel's Version)" merchandise to other detainees. Stock confiscated. Stock was surprisingly good.

20:00Cell inspection. Subject has organised the custody suite's paperback shelf by "vibe, then grudge". Officers admit it is better.

23:59Subject observed asleep, holding the ledger, smiling.

05:58Custody clock expires. CPS decision: NO FURTHER ACTION: "the £8,412,067.50 consists entirely of imaginary fines she invented, which is not embezzlement, it is worldbuilding".

06:02Subject released. On exit, subject invoiced the Constabulary £45 for "24 hours of my time". The invoice has been framed.

EXHIBIT KEL/2

INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT (EXTRACT)

DC WORM: For the tape, please state your name.

KEL: You know who I am. The website knows who I am. There's a shrine.

DC WORM: The Fine Fund currently stands at £8,412,067.50. Where is the money, Kel?

KEL: No comment.

DC WORM: Members were fined £45 for, and I quote, "breathing near the good chair". Did you issue that fine?

KEL: No comment. It was a fair fine.

DC WORM: So you admit issuing...

KEL: No comment. He knows what he did.

DC WORM: We've read the ledger. Every fine, every surcharge. There's an entry that just says "Tuesday: £900".

KEL: Tuesdays are hard for me.

DC WORM: Interview suspended at 09:38 while the subject explains, at length and unprompted, the ending of a book none of the officers have read.

KEL: …and THAT'S why the reformatory was the real villain. No comment.

EVIDENCE SCHEDULE

REF	ITEM	OFFICER'S NOTE
KEL/3	The Ledger (gold pen annotations)	Balances perfectly. Terrifying.
KEL/4	Tote bag, "canvas, load-bearing"	Contained 6 further tote bags.
KEL/5	Fundraising page, "in aid of Kel"	Active. Still taking donations. From inside custody.
KEL/6	Sensible shoes (1 pair)	Immaculate condition. See "Kelathon, mile 2".
KEL/7	List of book club members' overdue fines	Laminated. Alphabetised. Underlined twice: "BILL".

The Founder 👑
SIGNATURE OF DETAINED PERSON

PC Worm 🐛
CUSTODY OFFICER

£45
FEE FOR SIGNING (PAYABLE TO KEL)